The Simpsons Chalkboard Gag Companion

At the beginning of most episodes of The Simpsons, Bart writes something on the school chalkboard in the title sequence. Except some episodes have different jokes depending on which version you’re watching, and the alternative isn’t archived on DVDs or streaming versions! The Simpsons Archive was a great resource in writing this list, and includes some other interesting notes in its DVD Companion (I have chosen to miss some occasions where the episode was not originally broadcast with a chalkboard gag, or with a different chalkboard gag, but you can still see the relevant joke somewhere – see the sections on “Saturdays of Thunder” and “Homer the Heretic” in the DVD Companion for the specifics.)

2.4 Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish

Original version: I will not Xerox my b***

Alternate version: It’s potato, not potatoe

Explanation: On 15/06/92, then-Vice President of the United States Dan Quayle made an infamous error at an elementary school spelling bee by “correcting” a 12-year-old’s spelling of ‘potato’ to ‘potatoe’. The revised version of the chalkboard gag was used on a FOX repeat run, the first broadcast of The Simpsons after the gaffe. That repeat is the only known occasion where the alternate chalkboard was used; every commercial release and subsequent repeat has the original ‘Xerox’ gag, and the ‘potatoe’ one seems to be lost to time now.

10.5 When You Dish Upon a Star

Original version: “b***.com” is not my email address

Alternate version: “b***.b***” is not my email address

Explanation: “b***.com” turned out to be a real website, so all subsequent network broadcasts and the DVD changed it to “b***.b***”. The change was not made for US syndication or the Canadian network repeat, however.

13.19 The Sweetest Apu

Original version: I will never lie about being cancelled again 

Alternate version: None

Explanation: This episode originally had a shorter opening with no chalkboard gag, but the above joke was hurriedly spliced in following an interview Matt Groening gave where he claimed the show was close to winding up, which he later claimed was a misunderstanding. Unfortunately, the earlier version without the joke is the one used on the DVD (I think other broadcasts, including UK airings and US repeats, reverted to the one without the chalkboard too).

17.15 Homer Simpson, This Is Your Wife 

Original version: I will not eat things for money 

Alternate version: I will not laminate dog doo 

Explanation: The "original version" above is the one used for the specially filmed live-action version of the opening sequence that was first used on this episode (it's also used in the opening sequence for "Marge vs the Monorail"). Later broadcasts of the episode reverted to an animated opening sequence, with the gag listed under "alternate version" above. (Unlike other entries on this list, the alternate version is archived on the DVDs; it can be seen on "The Unusual Ones" special feature on Season 16.) 

21.19 The Squirt and the Whale

Original version: South Park – we’d stand behind you if we weren’t so scared

Alternate version: Je ne suis pas Français

Explanation: The original version is in reference to the controversy over the South Park episode "200", which was censored by Comedy Central in the same week this episode aired. The alternate version is used on some broadcasts (including streaming versions like Hulu); I do not know for sure, but it seems likely that this was the originally intended joke and it was changed to the South Park reference at the last minute.

22.21 500 Keys

Original version: It’s Kristen Schaal, not Kristen Schall

Alternate version: Guinea pigs should not be used as “guinea pigs”

Explanation: This is very similar to the above one. One week previously in “Homer Scissorhands”, guest star Kristen Schaal had been credited with the misspelled name; the ‘guinea pigs’ joke, also seen in some broadcasts, was likely replaced to make way for this.

25.10 Married to the Blob

Original version: Judas Priest is not “death metal”

Alternate version: If you haven’t broken your Christmas presents yet, you’re not trying

Explanation: You may be sensing a pattern here. One week previously in “Steal This Episode”, Judas Priest were wrongly referred to by the show as ‘death metal’, and the chalkboard gag was probably switched out, with the alternate version again being seen on some broadcasts.

25.19 What to Expect When Bart’s Expecting

Original version: April showers do not bring Matt Lauers

Alternate version: You can’t play April Fool’s jokes on April 27^th

Explanation: The alternate version appears to have been intended for use in countries where they don’t know who Matt Lauer is, and also made its way into streaming versions and some US broadcasts.